As part of writing non-consent and gender degradation erotica in a responsible manner, I regularly present Reality Check articles, touching base with safe, respectful, equitable behaviour in kink, in relationships, and in the world generally.
This week’s article is on orgasms. I’ve written a little on this topic before (which you can read by clicking here).
In my erotica stories, characters are usually able to have orgasms easily, quickly, and often with relatively minimal stimulation. This works for the kind of stories I want to write…
… but it is not a realistic depiction of reality.
Yes, many men achieve orgasm reliably and quickly. Others do not. Many men are able to control orgasm and/or ejaculation and deliberately delay it, perhaps indefinitely. Others are not. Many women can orgasm quickly, and potentially have multiple orgasms, back to back. Others cannot.
Orgasms come from a combination of biochemistry, brain activity, physical stimulation, and a set of exceptionally complex nerves, and depending on how those factors are affected, orgasms (and the ability to enjoy them) can be *very* different from person to person, and different for the same person at different times.
With that in mind – here’s five facts about orgasms.
- Male Orgasms and Male Ejaculation Aren’t Necessarily Connected
Men can reach orgasm without ejaculating, and men can ejaculate without orgasm. (That second scenario can be exceptionally frustrating.) While the mechanisms for these two bodily functions are intertwined, they’re not inter-dependent.
Ejaculation without orgasm most commonly happens as nocturnal emissions – e.g. wet dreams, where a man ejaculates during sleep (although wet dream can also produce an orgasm in many instances).
It can also occur where stimulation to the penis is halted in the seconds between the mechanism of ejaculation beginning, and the ejaculation actually occurring. (Often referred to as a “ruined orgasm”.)
Ruined orgasms are frustrating, but perfectly harmless.
The reverse scenario, of orgasm without ejaculation, is often called a “dry orgasm”, and usually happens in one of four scenarios.
(i) The body is physically unable to produce semen. This can happen during some kinds of radiation therapy, or in conditions that result in very low testosterone.
(ii) The body has used up all its semen, as a result of frequent ejaculation over a short period of time, and has not yet produced more (i.e. multiple ejaculations within a period of a few hours).
(iii) The semen duct is blocked. In this scenario the semen may travel into the bladder instead, resulting in cloudy urine.
(iv) The man is deliberately practicing sex techniques designed to produce a dry orgasm or retain sperm. Please only engage in these practices under the direction and supervision of a trained expert!
If you experience unplanned dry orgasms, you should consult a doctor, as it may be a symptom of a serious health condition.
- Not Everyone Can Orgasm
If you’ve never had an orgasm, it might be that you’ve simply never had the right stimulation or the right set of circumstances to make that happen. Women, in particular, often have their first orgasm relatively late in life, due to a lack of sufficiently cooperative partners, specific and individual personal needs, a lack of appropriate information and education, feeling ashamed of exploring their pleasure, or lacking the tools or environment to do so.
Please – keep exploring your body! Read about sex! Talk to people about sex! Try new things! It is always good to learn more about what your body likes!
But it is also the unfortunate truth that not everybody can orgasm. (And that some people find orgasms so difficult to achieve as to be dangerous or impractical.)
As I mentioned before, the nerves involved in orgasms are extremely complicated and fragile – particularly in women. They are different in everyone and some people draw the short straw here.
I have personally known women who can cum from having me crook a finger inside them while they were aroused, and who can repeatedly cum back-to-back almost endlessly. I have given hands-free orgasms using hypnosis. I have produced orgasms from impact play. I was lucky to have those experiences, and those women were lucky to have that biology.
I have also known women who could engage in sexual activity for hours, always feeling on the edge of orgasm, but unable to reach it, regardless of their partner or their activity. That was deeply and intensely frustrating for them and I am not aware of any of them ever finding a solution.
One of the biggest culprits in this area is medication, and particularly anti-depressants, which can severely reduce the ability to orgasm in both men and women. Do not stop taking your anti-depressants! They are keeping you alive, and an orgasm is not worth risking your life for. But if you find yourself in this position it is worth raising the issue with your doctor or psych to see if other equally effective medication options may be available.
Other medications including hormonal treatments, blood pressure treatments, painkillers, and a variety of other pharmaceuticals can also impact your ability to orgasm.
And the sad reality is that some people simply can’t make their body do that, regardless of medication.
- Orgasms Can Be Fast Or Slow
As mentioned above, some people orgasm very quickly. Others do not. There is no right or wrong answer to this. Ideally, we would all be able to choose exactly when we want to orgasm, but that’s not the situation most people are in, and there should be no moral judgements about how long it takes you to orgasm.
Personally, I take quite a long time to orgasm – usually over 15 minutes if I’m masturbating (if I don’t deliberately slow myself down or edge), or 30 minutes to two hours if I’m with another person. That’s nice from an endurance perspective, and it enables me to stay aroused for a long time to write, but it’s exceptionally frustrating from a convenience-of-sex perspective. And since my stroke, blood pressure concerns mean that two hours of sex simply isn’t safe for me under most circumstances. (That doesn’t mean I don’t have fun, though – see below.)
However long it takes you is the time it takes you, and that’s okay.
- Sexual Activity Doesn’t Require An Orgasm
Orgasms are fun, but there’s no reason that sexual activity demands that anyone involved have an orgasm. You can do all manner of fun things without anyone cumming – either because you stop before an orgasm is reached, or because you don’t directly stimulate the genitals at all.
D/s scenes, bondage, impact play, mindfucks, erotic hypno, and a range of other activities can all be sexy, and sexually satisfying, without anyone cumming.
In many contexts, it can enhance your sexual play to explicitly take orgasm off the table, or to agree upon it as something that may happen but which isn’t necessary. This can be particularly good for people who take a long time to cum – to remove the pressure to “perform” – or to focus a scene on the mental elements, or on a kind of sensation other than genital stimulation.
It is equally fine to do sex “until we stop” rather than “until we cum”. The act of sex should be enjoyable in and of itself. (Although, again, obviously orgasms are nice.)
In all these cases you should negotiate these things by explicit discussion with your partner(s) in advance. Make sure everyone is getting what they want, and getting their needs met!
- Female Orgasms Don’t Reliably Come From Vaginal Penetration
There’s a trope in pop culture, in porn, and in erotica, of a woman orgasming when her vagina is penetrated, usually by a penis, either immediately or after vigorous fucking.
This *can* happen – yes, including the “immediately” scenario – but absolutely not for every woman, and not every time, and not under all circumstances, and it’s certainly not something that a woman’s partner is in control of or can cause to reliably occur through sufficient skill.
What women need to cum varies from woman to woman, and there’s not really any single thing that is unchanging across every woman.
The best way to find out how to make a woman orgasm is to ask her.
The second best way is, with her enthusiastic consent in advance, to experiment.
Many (most?) women need some stimulation of their clitoris in order to cum – but again, the ideal stimulus varies from woman to woman – and varies further by mood, arousal, biochemistry and who their partner is. For some women, the best stimulation is a very light brush of a finger across the clit, and anything more is painful and unsexy. For others, their ideal stimulation is the buzz of a vibrator. For still others, it’s a matter of harder is better, and (when sufficiently aroused) they love a partner to grab the clit and crush the fuck out of it. (Again, do not try this last option without explicit enthusiastic consent in advance!)
Some women like receiving oral sex (aka cunnilingus). Some women get nothing from it, or actively dislike it. Among those who *do* like it, preferences differ. Some want to be teased, others want consistent licking, and still others want their click sucked on hard like a lollipop (or even lightly chewed).
Another common point of desirable stimulation is the “G-spot”. This is a part of the interior front of the vagina that can produce pleasure when stroked or pushed. You can generally find this spot on a woman by inserting two fingers into the vagina from the front, as deep as they will go without also inserting more fingers, and then crooking them towards you as if beckoning. In some women this part of the vagina will feel soft and spongy, and when aroused pressing into it may produce the feel of it releasing additional lubrication.
(You can hit the G-spot with a penis or a hard toy but it’s much easier with your fingers.)
(G-spot image courtesy of Wikipedia, subject to Creative Commons Zero licence.)
Other women may find it easier to cum from anal stimulation, or may require stimulation of the breasts or other erogenous zone.
And don’t forget that the sexiest organ is the brain! What’s in a person’s head is as important to cumming as anything else!
Find out what your partner wants in this regard. Open communication is essential! Some people (particularly neurodivergent people) may cum easiest if they’re left alone with their thoughts, to focus on particular ideas or scenarios that produce an orgasm. Others may want to be engaged – so talk dirty, tell stories, or whatever else gets them to the right place to cum!
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That’s all on this topic for today. Thank you for reading, and please continue enjoying All These Roadworks erotica!
– All These Roadworks
8 September 2025